he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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