hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
