Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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