Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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