I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize