Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I accidentally had phone sex last night
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
