She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize