I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
This is not my ceiling
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
