Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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