I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
