3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
