i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
