Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
