he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize