don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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