just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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