i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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