My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
