Cold hands, warm shart.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
