all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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