I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
