its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
