I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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