Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I need to align my fucking chakras
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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