it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You are the jesus of drinking
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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