I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
