My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he thought i was a dude.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
