its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
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