How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
