Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
