just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
