be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
