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• (806): View more from Texas

  Jesus knows you're telling a lie.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup

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• (231): View more from Michigan

  I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs

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• (304): View more from West Virginia

  Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.

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• (903): View more from Texas

  True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.

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• (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.

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• (541): View more from Oregon

  Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.

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• (407): View more from Florida

  Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way

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• (925): View more from California

  You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.

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• (227): View more from Maryland

  I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.

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• (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.

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• (919): View more from North Carolina

  It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.

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• (515): View more from Iowa

  I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps

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• (716): View more from New York

  He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.

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• (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th

  (905): View more from Ontario

  That's the best thing I've heard all week.

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• (772): View more from Florida

  I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.

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