i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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