Where are you?
In a non slutty way
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
