Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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