im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
