he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
