after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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