Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
