there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
