I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Randomize
