4 words: hood of his car
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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