Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
