Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She's the barista slut.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
