There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
