did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
