and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
