did you get engaged???
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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