Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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