The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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