Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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