If i come over, it means nothing
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
