I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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