My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
