An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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