It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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