My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
