So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
