genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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